I just got back from a short getaway with my mother & sister.
I thought I could at least put my mind at ease and at least smile for this short trip but I failed…
I felt as if I lost my smile, I lost my voice and I lost my laughter. And today I sat alone in the train thinking that I probably have lost myself…
Looking and seeing other people being happy make me felt even more numbed. Numb, yes.
After all that has happened and is happening, all I want is just to be alone. I need time to think through, I need to gather my lost courage and get back on my feet again…
For all the sins I’ve done, I will gladly receive my punishment and I hope and seek forgiveness from Allah swt for he is the Most Forgiving and Most Merciful one…
It’s time I let Allah show me the way. I’m tired of everything, tired of planning, tired of waiting and so on so forth…
Yup at this age, 25 I’m feeling lost. Don’t ask me why. I just want to be alone and disappear without anyone realizing…
Everything I love here
True. Someday somehow I might leave…
Every day I keep pondering.
Every day I keep questioning.
Why must I go through all this? Why must all this happened to me?
I’ve been keeping myself away from almost everybody cos I’m just sick & tired of the same old question…
My life is mundane, I’m just gonna go to work and every Thursday night I will be at my Ustazah place, InsyaAllah I would very much love to khatam Al-Quran before I die.
"Malu kan tak tahu Ngaji?"
"Pintu taubat masih terbuka, kecuali bila kamu sudah mati…"
"Allah akan beri kamu Hidayahnya sekali sahaja…"
Ustazah Umi words really made me think… Felt so ashamed of myself… Too much worries about the dunia and yet we do not worry about our akhirat.
InsyaAllah planning for a dinner session with the Pertapis Elderly, Ya Allah please guide us along the righteous path and give berkat to whatever we do. I know kak Hana really want this to happened…
Sometimes whatever we planned might not go accordingly as we planned…
There will be hiccups, there will be halangan and there will be ujian.
Right now both of us are facing a huge ujian from Allah swt. Our engagement day is nearing but something major just have to appear.
Allah have always love and will always love his umah. I guess that’s why he is testing both of us. He’s testing me to see if I’m going to stick through thick & thin with him, while Allah his testing his patience & perseverance to go through all this ujian that was brought to him.
Tonight after work, me and achit would have to let my mum know about this issue. I don’t dare to imagine for the worst ie: to postpone my engagement day. But I really really hope that would by be the case.
Ya Allah please let us go through this together with ease and Ya Allah you are the most Merciful & Fair of all, please allow us to find the truth and soften our hearts to also forgive the people who brought this accusation upon him that led us into this difficulty…
Venting It Out
I just needed a space here to ventilate. Doesn’t matter cos I doubt anyone will read this either. I cried my heart out after my prayers just now.
Up till now I can never understand what my grandmother wants. In my eyes, she’s always biased towards my mum & us while she always pampers my last uncle…
But whatever it is I will try to keep my cool and be more patient. Only bearing in mind of Allah swt & my mum.
Been spending the past 3 days with achit. Really really appreciate him for taking time off from work just to help me paint my room & of cos do some groceries shopping too. He shared a piece of good news to me & Ibuk. Someone back in his NS time recommended him to join the force and InsyaAllah he’ll be going for the job interview next Thursday. InsyaAllah semoga Allah murahkan lagi rezeki die.
And when he had to go back home just now I felt as if I’m having some separation anxiety. Sheesh Ya Allah… Never felt like this before…
To suddenly hear you whispering thank you in my ears was enough to make my heart skip a beat & made me smiled silly.